Helloo and welcome back to my little corner of the internet for some intimacy provider musings!
While I felt the first episode should be an intro into what this work looks like, for me, both the pros and the cons, I feel it’s important for me to next share about safety.
Not sounding the most glamorous? I have a whole list of fun topics I can’t wait to share!
But I am waiting, because if anything I say motivates you to jump head first into this thrilling, profitable, possibly even empowering industry… I want to make sure you have the knowledge of how to do so in ways which protect you, physically and mentally.
I’m not saying these things will keep you 100% safe.
These are not coming from some scientific study or accredited research knowledge production source; these are coming from my own experiences working as an intimacy provider over a handful of years. These are tips and tricks I’ve learned from testing things out myself; from having to figure it out alone, which was sometimes scary. Something that I’m hoping I may be able to lessen from your experience.
We’re going to focus on the two pillars of our being we need to protect. We’ll get to the mental/emotional, but let’s start with the physical.
Let’s start with one that, particularly given stigmatisation around doing this work, I’m sure many people think of…
Will you get a disease?
The first form of physical safety, I can knock out of the park pretty quick:
Tip #1: Use protection, it works.
I am happy to report, with so much gratitude and appreciation for condoms, that I’ve to date not had any “intimate diseases” (STIs). Legally, in Canada at least, if you get one of these diseases, Public Health needs to contact everyone you’ve slept with since you last were tested. I could lie about how many, if I don’t want clients to be contacted, but I would morally feel they needed to know.
And while I hope to never experience this, I imagine that would not be ideal for business. Or depending on the disease, personal longevity.
So, the solution? Don’t be silly, wrap the willy.
Will you get mugged… or worse?
Depending on the country you live in, there may be options to work in safer spaces, like agencies, spas, brothels, or collectives. While still not 100% guaranteed safety, they definitely up the likelihood of safe clients and/or protection from those who turn out not to be good people.
Should you desire to work as an independent provider, as I do, the level of safety you experience is dependent on you, though there are inherent risks to the work, particularly dependent on the laws in your country. Something that I really believe can lessen your level of risk (though it won’t fully remove it), is…
Tip #2: Screen potential clients.
When I began working, not knowing I could ask for screening information, I just texted with clients then had them over to my small bachelor apartment. They often used a fake name (at least til we met) and a fake texting app phone number.
Should they do something bad to me, they were untraceable once they left.
Now, practising more safety precautions, all my clients are screened before meeting. If they’re booking for a day or more in advance, they also send a monetary deposit to hold the spot. But even if booking for a couple hours away, not requiring as per my work set up a payment to hold the time, I don’t see people without verifying their identity.
Most often people send a selfie holding photo ID, but if they’re uncomfortable with this, I offer to instead do a LinkedIn message. Being able to have their legal first and last name is my sense of security that, should someone commit harm to me, I am better able to seek justice.
More realistically than being able to seek justice, I believe the types of people who would commit harm aren’t going to send me their legal name. Meaning I won’t book them. Meaning the harmful people and I do not have to interact.
I will note that in order to ask people to prove themselves to you, you do need to be able to prove yourself to them.
I don’t mean giving your photo ID, but having a professional set up that convinces the potential client you are not a scam will increase the number of people willing to screen before booking.
How do you legitimise yourself as a professional intimacy provider, you may wonder?
An easy starting point is a website. There are many platforms that offer free, fairly straightforward to use website development and hosting. For not much money, you can purchase your domain name, then have a corresponding email address.
Another big legitimiser is social media. X is like the LinkedIn of the intimacy industry world. Get on there, post regularly, network with other providers, like/comment/share their stuff, and grow your following. This helps make you look like a real provider, plus once it gets going, it works as a form of advertisement. I’ve had many clients in the past couple years tell me they found me through X.
While X is the most prominent site in the industry in my opinion, other social media sites can be helpful too. Particularly if you can get a large following with high engagement, people will be able to see you’re the real deal.
Similar to social media, you can have profiles on more risque sites. Not only does this legitimise you, I find it’s a great way for potential clients to check you out in a more intimate way and then, ideally, decide to book once they get your vibe.
A fairly effective way to prove you are real is through review boards. While they’re not my all time fave, having reviews from people who have already seen you will show other potential clients you are real and worth your asking price. And again can be a form of advertisement for people whose radar you’re not yet on. If you’re wanting to get reviews, whenever you have a client you feel you have good rapport with, ask them if they’d be willing to write you one.
Though not foolproof, I do believe making yourself legitimate and screening new clients is one of the best ways to keep yourself safe. Prevention is much less stressful than reaction.
Should you know self-defence?
I mean, sure, it could likely help you out in all sorts of life situations, maybe useful in your working life. When I first started working, I had pepper spray. It somewhat made me feel safe, but not that much, so I abandoned it fairly quickly.
Something that’s likely more realistic is being effective in how you communicate session guidelines, assert your boundaries, and respect your inherent wisdom when receiving red flags, so…
Tip #3: Communicate effectively and listen to your intuition.
This all begins even before you meet.
If there’s anything that feels off about a potential client, you owe them nothing. If your intuition hairs are rising, listen. Don’t put yourself in a questionable situation just for money, if you’re being told it’s not a good idea.
If you are going to proceed, it’s important to make clear guidelines about what’s allowed and what’s not, for both you and your client. What are they looking for and what are their boundaries? Then be sure to share yours.
Before you start working in the industry, it’s important to do some deep reflecting on what you’re willing to offer, and what your restrictions are. Then stick to those. Don’t let money sway you from what makes you feel safe and respected.
I send a list of my services and restrictions to potential clients right off the bat. They know my limits, even before they commit to seeing me.
During a booking, I like to start off by reiterating what these are. I’ll ask in a flirty way what they are hoping for in our session, then be sure to let them know what our play limits are. If the session gets going and they are pushing these boundaries, assert yourself.
Just because they are paying for your time, does not mean they are paying for unlimited access to you. It’s still your body, you still decide what does and does not fly.
Mutual safety support: Use the buddy system!
You don’t have to do this challenging, potentially dangerous work alone.
Tip #4: Have a safety buddy.
While this is a somewhat privileged position, as you need to have at least one person who knows what you do for work, having a safety person is a great backup plan. Hopefully they never need to take any actions, but it can be reassuring knowing they’re there, and potentially a life saver.
While you can use a friend outside of the industry if you have someone who knows about your work and who you trust, ideally, you can find a fellow provider to buddy with.
You both, before starting a booking, text your buddy the info you have. Ideally this will include the client’s name if you’re screening, then where you’re doing the booking and for how long. When your client leaves, you text that they are gone. Should your safety buddy not hear from you, they can investigate. Then you do the same for them!
One thing I tried for a bit that’s similar but a little less intensive is having a shared folder, like in Google Drive, where you put this info. Kind of like a log in and out from work type thing that both providers have access to. Not quite as intensive as texting, but leaving a “paper trail” for if your buddy isn’t able to get in touch.
I would like to pause here and say, if talking about this makes you feel uneasy, if this seems like it’s pushing your boundaries of what feels safe for you, working independently may not be the best working structure at this point.
Like I briefly mentioned at the beginning, there are different ways you can work. Agencies, spas, brothels, collectives… There are other options which can have more built in safety procedures.
That’s all I’ll say on physical safety for now, though I’d love to hear from you if you have other suggestions.
But our physical body is not the only part of us that can be at risk during this work…
How can you protect your mental wellbeing?
How authentic should I be?
There are ways our mental safety can be affected from being an intimacy provider.
Some clients may get really into you, which can mean a great regular, bringing in great cash flow. Some clients may get really into you, in ways that make you uncomfortable. You may not want them to have a whole lot of info about your personal life.
Tip #5: Be discreet.
Discretion can vary depending on your comfort with the industry at large, and each individual client. Maybe you’ve been seeing them for a while, they have never shown you anything less than respect, so you begin to disclose more about your personal life. Up to you. But before they’ve had the chance to build your trust, I suggest you practise discretion as your default.
Don’t use your real name, get a professional contact method (i.e. second phone number, new email), and make up details about your life or politely decline to answer questions that are too personal.
As mentioned above, you need skills to strongly assert your boundaries; it’s important to make clear guidelines about what’s allowed and what’s not, for both you and your client, not only for your physical safety, but your mental as well. These boundaries include your physical, like what services you provide, as well as your mental, such as what you’re willing to share and what you’d like to keep private.
Safety person: Mental health edition
Like having a support person for your physical safety, having mental wellness support is a good idea too.
Being an intimacy provider can be empowering, if you’re in the proper mindset going in; it can also be very hard on your sense of self-worth, if that’s already a challenge for you.
Tip #6: See a therapist.
A really great tool for keeping your mental wellness strong is seeking professional support.
From acting as a counsellor with clients to living with the stigmatisation of working in this industry, it can be challenging to remain mentally strong. Especially if you haven’t built an intimacy provider community to receive reciprocal support from. If you’re making decent money from doing this work, you owe it to yourself to invest some of that back into you.
Stigma against service providers is pervasive, including within the self-help community.
Do your homework, find a therapist that won’t have a “saviour complex” and want to “help” you get out of the industry. Look at reviews online, or send potential therapists an email and ask their perspective on intimacy providing. If they sound like a safe space, give them a go. If they turn out not to be, go go go BUT keep on your search to find that perfect fit.
It can be a bit of a journey to find the right help, but once you do, it’s a very valuable resource in your toolbox of what will bring you a thriving life.
Should I take vacations?
A final note on mental wellness: Give yourself space. Even though yes, being self-employed, you won’t get paid vacations, take time for you for the benefit of your wellbeing and sustainment in the industry.
Tip #7: Schedule time off.
Being a self-employed entrepreneur, it is tempting to always hustle. If you don’t work, you don’t make money. If you work, there’s a good chance you can make good money. Hustling can really pay off financially, but it can also take its toll.
Don’t let money come at the expense of your wellbeing!
Whether it’s not going on social media before you’ve had breakfast or taking Sundays off from answering texts, book yourself some regular you-time. While money is important, it’s not everything. Though I do genuinely love doing this work, I try to remember the mantra of “work to live, not live to work”.
That’s it for today!
These are some of my suggestions, but it’s definitely not an exhaustive list! If you have experience as an intimacy provider and have a tip I’ve missed, I and likely others would love to hear it in the comments. This work is uniquely challenging, but with community, we can make it uniquely awesome, too.
Whatever you’ve taken from this (hopefully something!), you do you boo, but I hope you do it with love, for others and for yourself. Please comment your thoughts and share with those in your life who you feel may benefit!
Much love,
Juno
xox
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